Never Mine
by yusahana6323
Summary: It had never been his... love, and friendship, or even his own life. Nothing had ever belonged to Akira - only Ryuuko. ShiroAki.
1. Chapter 1

Whew! So I've been sitting on this fic for a little while and decided to start posting! : D I might change the title later, but I really like it for now.

Please enjoy!

**Chapter One  
**_"I'm not Ryuuko."_

_Those were the words he had uttered that night. The words spoken on a heavy breath, drifting in the air. The pain he felt was reflected in those blue eyes, which darkened with sadness as he spoke._

_"I'm not Ryuuko."_

_The gentle touch and familiar warmth lingered, and that soft voice spoke hesitantly, "I know that."_

_But he felt like he had to continue repeating it. The words stuck in his throat, and choked him as tears painted their way down his face. He whispered it desperately as fingertips traced his lips, down his side._

_"I'm not Ryuuko. I'm not Ryuuko."_

_"I know that –"_

_"I'm not Ryuuko!"_

He jerked awake, sitting straight up, as the words tore themselves from his throat. Sharp grey eyes flashed to the bedside table – 3:11 in the morning. With a long sigh, Akira fell back into his pillows, his gaze now fixated on the ceiling. Outside, he heard a low murmur of voices as two people – probably a couple – passed three levels beneath.

It was strange to think he was continuing to see that night in his dreams. It had been just the next day his parents had come home and told him the good news – his father had landed a six-month job working in Greater London. Akira had accepted it without a second thought, but looking back, he hadn't been thinking of much since he had spoken the night before. They had packed everything they needed for those six months and were on the plane within two days.

"You're really leaving," Aya had said disbelievingly his last day at school. "Really, with things still like this?"

Akira had merely nodded, still not speaking.

"Akiraaaaa," Kengo sobbed. "Don't go, Akira!"

"There are still Kokuchi… please tell me Shirogane-san is going with you, Akira!"

He had turned and left without another word. Shirogane had left when he had screamed the painful words. Remembering his expression was a shot to Akira… but it was better this way. He didn't want to see the Shin.

It had been five and a half months since he had boarded the plane and come here to London. He had hoped, somewhere inside of himself, that his parents would decide to stay here. He didn't want to go back, not when he had fled so selfishly. He didn't want to go back when he had never said good-bye. It wouldn't feel right.

But he was facing it. He supposed that's why he was recalling those heavy, almost-silent moments that he had broken.

His mind slipped back again. Aya and Kengo had tried to call, tried to e-mail, but he had ignored them. Kou had come by, once, and sought Akira out at school. Unable to think of a way to avoid him, Akira simply met him at the gate and looked up into Kou's angry, dark-and-gold glare.

"Aki."

Not a word. For some reason, his throat had closed off. He didn't flinch as Kou landed a rough blow to the face, merely turned his head with the force.

"Aki! What the hell is this?! Turned tail and fled like an injured dog? Why did you do this? Do you realize what you've done?! I haven't seen Shirogane this lost since –"

The teenager had just pushed past and left Kou standing there, numbly finding his way home. There he couldn't find rest either – Kou was in his room, arms folded over his chest, and had instantly demanded, "Aki, what happened? Why did you leave like that?"

He didn't want to talk about it. He forced himself to say, "It's none of your business."

"Did Shirogane do something to you?"

Akira felt his throat closing off again at the mere thought of the shin… those blue eyes and his gentle touch, his warm sweet breath. Kou had warned him… was that why? The Rei was watching his expression carefully.

"Aki, what happened?"

A thought struck him suddenly. Kou was only here because he was Ryuuko. If he wasn't Ryuuko… no, if he didn't even look like Ryuuko, then Kou never would have saved him. The reminder of the Rei King, the thought of the ulterior motives, filled him with rage. He whirled and shouted, "Get out! I don't want to see you!"

"Aki!"

"Out! Don't you dare come back!"

His eyes had met Kou's, and after a long, tense silence, Kou bowed his head, then crossed the room to the window and was gone. Akira had stood, glaring out the window for as long as he could stand it before he had violently pulled the curtains shut.

The memories flitting in front of his eyes… he rolled over and looked at the clock again. 3:20 in the morning. Nine minutes closer to returning to Japan, to the people that had never been his. He curled up under his covers, vainly trying to fall asleep. His mind couldn't come to rest because of the fact that repeated over and over.

It was all due to Ryuuko… Kou's friendship, Shirogane's love, even his own life... none of it was his. It had never belonged to him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two  
**The long flight from London to Tokyo, then the train ride from Tokyo back home… it was tense, yet strangely empty. Akira wasn't quite sure how he felt about the gnawing sensation in his stomach. He knew he didn't want to be here… was the feeling frustration? Anxiety?

What would Aya and Kengo say when he suddenly turned back up to school when the year was almost over? Would they even care? Somehow, he hoped they didn't. He didn't want them to put up a fuss. He would rather just slip quietly back into the scene. It would be difficult, but it was possible.

Kou, and Master… what would happen with them? How would Kou react when he saw Akira again? And then the worst one, the one that made his stomach shrink and flip… Shirogane. Was Shirogane still around, or had he disappeared? If he was still there, what would happen? Akira didn't think he could bear to see the Shin King again.

As he fretted over it, unconsciously he raised his hand to his lips and touched them. For some reason, the taste had never quite gone away… had always lingered there. He felt almost as if it was intensifying, longing to be refreshed. He shook his head violently – no, no, no. He wouldn't think that way… he had to remember why. He had to remember why things had turned this way.

It was dark by the time he crossed through the gate to his home with his parents, listlessly dragging all his packing up to his room. It looked almost as if he had never left, if you didn't consider the missing bedsheets, drawers of clothes, and part of his CD collection missing. It smelled like he had been gone… a bit stark and dusty. Too weary to unpack, he simply flopped onto his bed and turned out the light.

His mind refused to rest as soon as darkness hit his sight. There was a sense, a feeling of something lurking in the room… something familiar, though it took him a little while to sort it out. With a slightly-trembling, choked voice, Akira whispered, "Shirogane?"

No response. His throat cleared a little, and he said, a bit more strongly, "Shirogane?"

Still there was no reply. Hesitantly, he got up and walked around the room, looking. There was little point to such a thing – the Shin could go without being seen by human eyes. Akira sighed, and muttered, "Doppler Release!" which allowed him to flash into the Shadow World. Glancing about with rubied eyes, he still saw nothing.

Shirogane must have been here a lot while he had been gone, then, for the sense of him to be so strong. He stamped on the doppelganger and returned his bed, falling onto it as the last bit of black faded from his hair. He lay there on his stomach, watching the time slowly tick past like he had done only a few weeks prior, unable to sleep as unnamable things churned in his mind.

He hit 'off' on the alarm clock as it started up to ring. His parents had wanted him to return to school immediately. He had tried arguing with them, saying he wanted to finish unpacking and such, but they gently reprimanded him and insisted he start back up. Besides, didn't he want to see his friends? his mother had asked. He hadn't the heart to tell her that wasn't the case.

He dressed in the uniform that was slightly too small through the shoulders and arms, and too short around the ankles. He would have to get a new one, he supposed, as soon as they were settled back in. It probably would be a good idea just to get a new one now, since the year was basically over. He paused in front of the mirror, ignoring the circles darkening under his eyes. There wasn't much to be done about them now.

And not too much later, he was in front of the school, bag slung back over his shoulder. He hesitated on the threshold of the gate, working up the courage to go inside. He was different – he was well aware of it. He didn't want to be seen by Kengo and Aya, and reminded of what had happened. He didn't want to hear that he was different.

Because he had made up his mind that this was the way it would have to be.

With a sigh, he passed through the gates, went to the office to reinstate himself as a student, and without a second thought walked through the halls up to the roof, where he threw down his bag and sat. A few quiet minutes passed, the bell rang, and Akira realized where he was sitting. It was the same spot he had always sat with Shirogane, when they had skipped class.

.oOOo.

The door swinging open a few hours later startled him awake, and his eyes flashed open as a long moment of silence hit. It was broken suddenly, and he heard two voices screaming, "Akira!" He sighed and rolled over onto his side, curling up so he wouldn't have to see them. They came running over anyway, and immediately he was pelted with:

"Akira, you're back?!"

"Akira!"

"How long have you been here? Why didn't you call?"

"Akira!"

"Why didn't you contact us at all? We were worried about you!"

"AKIRAAA!!"

He bit his tongue to keep himself from shouting at them, though it was what he really wanted to do. He didn't want to be bothered… maybe if he just lay there they would leave him alone. He'd had too much experience to truly expect that yelling at them would make them go away. They did quiet when they saw he wasn't responding to them. Another silence ensued, followed by Aya tentatively asking, "Akira… did something happen?"

Still, he didn't reply. He could almost sense them looking at each other, but then two heavy thuds landed on either side of him. He uncurled and twisted to see Kengo and Aya looking down at him.

"Akira, we missed you." It was a quiet, honest statement from Aya. Kengo merely nodded.

Slowly, Akira sat up with to look at them, studying them. They didn't seem to have changed at all... perhaps they looked a little more mature. He didn't have time to wonder how they saw him, because Aya said, "Akira, your hair..."

"What about it?" he asked dully, knowing full well. So they had noticed... he had half-hoped they would, though fully he had hoped they wouldn't. If they noticed, then definitely _he_ would. The thrill and the fear stabbed through his heart.

"It's really grown out. They won't allow that at school –"

"Who cares?" He folded his arms behind his head and lay back down. "I don't."

They seemed to sense his want to be left alone, because after an awkward pause they got to their feet. Kengo said, "You should come with us to see Master and Kou-nii after school. They'll be glad to see you're back." And they left.

Akira stole out of the school just before it let out, walking briskly home. His parents weren't home when he arrived – probably out buying food and such – so he let himself in and headed up to his room, beginning his unpacking. Even after six months in England he didn't have much... half his clothes had been replaced, and he didn't have many souvenirs. He was just smoothing out his private school uniform to get it ready to fold when the doorbell rang and Kengo's voice called out over the intercom, "Akira! Let's go play!!"

Couldn't they take a hint? He didn't want to go. He knew what would happen if he went to go see Master. It wasn't that he held a grudge against Master or anything of that sort, but everything felt so fake now. Everything had been fake, the entire time, he realized that. He didn't want to go see friends that weren't his, talk about events that he wasn't a part of.

"Akira! Get down here right now! Master and Kou-san were worried sick about you! You didn't say a word to them before you left!" When Akira failed to reply, Aya started again, "I don't know what happened but you're a real jerk! Just come say hi!"

He gave out. A quick greeting... would that be hard? No one had said anything about Shirogane, so was it possible that he had faded away? Relenting, Akira pulled on a tank top and went out the front door, hands fisted in his pockets. He would say hello and leave... no more.

Aya and Kengo did their best to involve him in conversation on the way to Bar Still, but he only replied with the occasional shrug, or perhaps a grunt. His heart was pounding in his throat. He didn't want to see him... he didn't want to see him.

"He's back, Master!" Kengo called triumphantly as they burst into the bar. As the man raised his face as if to look towards them, Akira felt himself arrested by an instant blanket of calm. The frantic want to return home faded away, and he was back where he needed to be.

"Akira? Are you back?" Master asked.

His throat loosed itself. "Yeah. I'm back."

A warm smile, one that seemed to have faded completely from memory in the last six months, shone on the bartender's face. "Welcome home."

He ended up staying, and with Master's warmth relaxed. He talked openly with the three of them about his trip and listened to what had happened in his absence. His worry seemed some like some sort of nightmare, and remained that way until he heard the door open and a deep voice call, "We're here, Master!"

Kou's voice. Akira instantly froze up, going rigid. He felt Kou stop, felt the Rei's sharp stare into the back of his head. He might have been able to tolerate that – Kou was subservient to him, wasn't he? – but it was the second gaze he felt that wired his spine straight up, held him completely in place. After a few moments' silence, he jerkily turned around, and his grey eyes met a pair of widened, bright blue.

"Shirogane," was the low, broken mutter that escaped him despite his best effort to stifle it. Shirogane was visibly struggling, and his response was just as muted, just as hurt as his voice trembled:

"Is that... is that you, Akira-kun?"


	3. Chapter 3

_Happy Halloween, everyone. :D_

**Chapter Three  
**It was an awkward silence, tense, and Kou's eyes were clearly telling Akira to face up. After a moment of pondering, Akira got to his feet, shoved his hands in his pockets, and strode towards the door. As he drew level with Kou and Shirogane, keeping his gaze fastened on the door, Akira said, "Good to see you again, Master."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shirogane's eyes, and Kou's eyes, following him. Before he reached the door, Shirogane's strangled voice whispered, "Akira-kun, what happened? Why did you leave?"

He paused at the door, debating whether or not to answer. Deciding on the latter option, Akira turned the doorknob.

"What happened to your hair?!"

He whirled now, hand still gripping the knob, to bring his flashing eyes right into Shirogane's. The Shin looked upset, his face taut. Akira read beneath it... saw the pain in the blue depths.

"Something wrong with it?" Akira snapped.

"... This... Akira-kun, what are you trying to do?" His expression, though still distraught, was now serious.

"This is what you want, isn't it?!" he demanded. "Your beloved Ryuuko!"

"Akira-kun –"

"What the hell are you trying to say, Aki?"

"That's all any of you want from me... Ryuuko! Am I wrong?" He looked at Kou, half-spitting, "That's why you saved me and that's why you were my friend!" Now at Shirogane. "That's why... that's why you..."

His throat closed off again, and he turned back to the door. He couldn't let them see his shoulders shaking... he couldn't let them hear his struggle to speak.

"I understand. He's the one you want. If you'll wait just a few years more, until I'm just a bit older, then he'll be here."

"Akira, don't be stupid!" was Aya's response. "We don't want him!"

"Who's Ryuuko?" was Kengo's whine.

"Akira, please don't be this way," Master said. From that, it was obvious Shirogane was struggling. "We want you."

"How selfish of you, Aki," Kou's voice was cold. "Even suggesting such a thing is –"

"How the hell is this selfish? Isn't it the truth? If it weren't for Ryuuko, you wouldn't bother. You wouldn't be here, saying things like this." It was hard to talk... Akira felt as if he was suffocating. "Just wait... then you can bring him out. Just... just give me time to get there."

He opened the door and ran out – he heard everyone calling after him. Shirogane's voice stood out above the rest, but he forced his mind past it. They weren't his, he had to remember that much. None of it was his.

His parents were still gone when he got home. He ran straight to his room and slammed the door, breathing hard. His legs were shaking – it was a long way running from the bar. Dropping to the floor, Akira drew his knees to his chest and buried his face in them, trying to catch his breath. It was quiet, and that was comforting to him, but -

"Get up, Akira-kun."

A hand seized his hair and dragged him up by it, setting him on his feet. Ice-blue eyes pierced straight into his, hand still digging into his scalp. Akira struggled, but didn't make any sudden movements. Shirogane locked gazes with him for a few moments before he effortlessly tossed Akira onto the bed.

"How childish."

Akira tried to get up, but Shirogane's hand came down on his arm, pinning him down. The King's face was set and serious – Akira's body almost froze up in surprise.

"Shall we continue from before, Akira-kun?"

"No!" Again he struggled, but Shirogane pulled both his wrists above his head and pinned them there. "I told you, I'm not Ryuuko!"

"I'm well aware of that fact," was the cool response. "So why try to become him, if you're that resistant to it?"

"Isn't that what you want? You want him back. That's why you've done everything you have!"

A pause.

"Did you not listen at Master's? Get off of me!"

Instead, Shirogane bent his face close to Akira's, gazing deeply into his eyes. His body shut down, his only response to stare back. There was something so deep in those pools... but what was it? What was hidden?

"I love you, Akira-kun," was the soft whisper. Shirogane's breath played across his face, sending heavy shivers through his body.

"Go away!"

"I love you." No other touch. Shirogane simply held him in place, and whispered it again and again. "I love you."

"Stop it!" Why did they hurt so much? Akira tried to look away, but that emotion that was veiled in Shirogane's eyes held his gaze. He couldn't hold back the tears that were painting their way down his face. "Stop!"

"I love you. You, Akira-kun."

Why did Shirogane know him so well? Why did those blue eyes see straight through him, even though he hid everything so deeply? He finally managed to close his eyes, but he couldn't shut out those gentle words. They pierced him deeply, and hurt more than if Shirogane had decided to be forceful.

"Stop... stop it..."

"Won't you believe me?" Shirogane's free hand brushed his cheek, then ran down his jaw and neck, down his torso. His light fingertips played around Akira's waist and hip, just as they had that night. Akira writhed, trying to pull away, but Shirogane's grip was too strong. "Akira-kun, I would never lie to you."

"Let go!"

"I love you."

"Don't... don't say that to me!" Somehow, he managed to get ahold of his nerves again. He brought his knee up, with the full intent to gut or groin Shirogane, but the Shin lightly leapt away. As he landed across the room, long braid floating on the air, Akira sat up and backed against the wall, breathing hard. Shirogane's touch was like fire... it burned its way through him. "Get out!"

"Akira-kun –"

"Get out!" He was shaking, harder than before. He knew he wouldn't stop until Shirogane was gone. "Just get out!"

Shirogane's gaze narrowed, but as he opened his mouth to speak, the front door opened. Akira met the burning eyes and said quietly, "Get out, and don't come back. If you don't, I'll die."

Anger turned to surprise. "Akira-kun –"

"OUT!"

And he was gone. Akira fell onto his bed, unable to restrain the tears now. Why did he want to hear those words, even though they tore him apart? Why did he have to be Ryuuko? If he hadn't been, then maybe... maybe...


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four  
**When he had emerged from his room hours later, his parents had told him that they were very sorry, but they had to leave for awhile again. Like he had before, Akira accepted it without so much as a blink. He preferred it this way... he wouldn't have to hold back his emotions for fear they would worry about him or question him.

He didn't bother going to school. He had an itching feeling Shirogane would accompany Aya or Kengo, and he didn't want another run-in with Shirogane. He knew, he _knew_ what Shirogane really wanted, and the Shin King didn't want it from him. The knowledge was painful, and it ripped right through him.

Even so, the Shin came by frequently and tried to talk to him, but Akira simply gave him the cold shoulder. There was only one case where Shirogane tried to forcibly get him to pay attention, and Akira had landed a powerful punch right to his face. Shirogane had come only a few more times before he had just disappeared altogether.

He couldn't hope that Shirogane was completely gone, though. Akira knew he was probably haunting Master or Kou, lying in wait for a time he thought Akira would listen. It wouldn't happen, Akira swore to himself. And as the weeks passed, he grew taller, and his hair grew longer, and every time he looked in the mirror, he thought to himself how lucky Ryuuko was. That thought was fleeting before he stuffed it back into his mind.

Akira was out on his way to get food one evening about two months later when someone gripped his shoulder and a cold voice said in his ear, "Come with me. Now."

He whirled, but Kou held him in a deathgrip and began pulling him along, down the street towards the area Akira knew Kou resided. He tried to struggle, but every time he did Kou gave him a hard shake that made his bones snap. Before long Kou crashed through the front door and basically threw Akira across the room onto a couch.

"Kou-nii, what the hell?!"

"Have fun," was the simple response before the door slammed and locked. Akira got up with a snarl, ready to burst out right after him. Kou had told him, _warned him_ to not trust Shirogane. Akira thought he understood why now, but before he could even make it a decent distance to the door, another hand grabbed his shoulder.

"Please stay, Akira-kun."

Why were those words so powerful? Somehow Akira pulled away, darting for the door, but now two strong arms embraced him and pulled him back into a lean body. Long, silky hair trailed in front of his eyes as a warm whisper tickled his ear.

"Please don't run away from me. Please don't leave me alone."

"Let go!" His body wouldn't move now... he wouldn't be able to fight his way out. "Let me go home!"

"No. Stay here. Stay with me."

Something soft and warm pressed into his neck – Akira choked, trying to get his body to follow his mind's orders.

"I love you, Akira-kun. I love you."

"Stop it!"

But Shirogane wouldn't relent. "I love you," is what he whispered over and over, no matter how much Akira begged him to stop. He felt his body giving way to Shirogane's warmth, to the hand that gently moved from his shoulders down his torso to wrap around his waist. The fire that burned into him as Shirogane's fingertips stroked his hip was painful, and Akira couldn't take it much longer. His shaking knees were giving way, pressing him closer to Shirogane. How did Shirogane know touching his hips like that made him melt?

The bitterest idea rose up: it was probably because that was Ryuuko's weak spot. Shirogane knew his body so well because he had felt the body of the person Akira was simply a copy of. That was the only reason for wanting it so badly... everything Akira had thought was simply being confirmed.

"I love you, Akira-kun –"

"I don't love you!"

The word that finally broke free stopped him. The soft whispers instantly ceased, and Akira felt the tension that snatched the Shin King. He broke free now and ran out the door without looking back, ran all the way home. As he slammed the front door, he leaned back against it and slid to the floor. The silence dropped on him like a heavy, suffocating veil, and his sobs seemed far too loud.

Somehow, he made his way upstairs, stripping off his clothes as he straggled to the bathroom. Once there, he simply stood in the shower and let the icy water beat against him. It didn't do anything to take away the fire that Shirogane had trailed down his body... rather, it highlighted it, made it burn hotter and hotter. Akira couldn't tell if there were still tears running down his face anymore. His long hair, fully saturated, helped weigh his head back. His eyes gazed dully at the ceiling of the shower room.

Why? It seemed so unfair that this had to happen to him. All the seemingly-innocent questions he had ever asked, about who he was and whether or not he was really here, questions that he thought everyone had asked... they only made him feel worse. He wished he had never questioned. He wished he had never met Shirogane.

But something in him cried harder at that very thought. Biting his lip hard, he reached out and shut off the shower, then trailed a few feet away to where the bathtub was already filled. Without a second thought, he plunged into the water, somehow colder than that of the shower. He welcomed it, trying to focus on the burn of the cold rather than the burn Shirogane had given him.

It was quiet... suffocating as it had been before, but Akira welcomed it now as his chest heaved, trying to gasp in the air his lungs wanted. Eventually his body tempered to the water, and he quieted, lying in the tub silently.

He didn't want to think. He didn't want to think about anything anymore, and yet Shirogane's blue eyes, the feel of his silky hair, his gentle touch playing around Akira's hip, and the warm whisper filled his mind.

"He doesn't want me. He wants Ryuuko. He pursues me because I'm Ryuuko. As soon as I fade away, he will be happy. He will be much happier."

Chanting the mantra didn't help, especially since his voice trembled as he said it. He was out of tears now, though, so he only looked glazedly off to nowhere.

"Nikaidou Akira will never belong to Shirogane."

That wasn't his voice. Akira started, sat up straight in the tub to have his widened eyes land on a figure in the corner of the room. A mask-like face, in which glowing yellow-green eyes were set, peered at him from the shadows of the room. The long hair, red as fire, set off alarms in his head, and suddenly the water felt very cold again.

"H-Homu..." He couldn't get a grip on his breath now. His insides were completely failing him.

"Shirogane only wants Ryuuko," Homurabi said with a cruel smile. "He doesn't want Akira. Poor Akira. Poor, poor Akira has never been cared for by anyone. All anyone sees when they look at you is 'Ryuuko.'"

Homurabi's aura was murderous. Akira sat completely frozen in place, fingertips shaking on the edge of the tub. His entire being screamed at him to run, run, but he couldn't get himself to move.

"So do you want everything that happened to Ryuuko to happen to you?" He was stepping closer and closer.

"N-n-no..."

"Because, you know..." His eyes flashed wide open, baring his teeth in a horrifying grin. "I killed Ryuuko."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five  
**Somehow he managed to vault out of the tub as Homurabi came at him, ducking under the strike the other Shin King launched. He struggled into his underwear and jeans, but as he heard the scream of air from another attack he ducked, half-fell down the stairs, and burst out the front door. As Akira ran stiffly, trying to get warmth back into his legs, he tried to figure out where he would be safest – with Kou, probably. His body lurched into gear as he turned off towards Kou's home.

"Oh, where do you think you're going?"

Something pierced his shoulder, tearing a scream through his throat. Normally, he would turn and fight back, but he knew better. He knew he didn't have any bit of chance against Homurabi on his own. He tore himself away and kept running, pushing himself to run faster.

"You want to be Ryuuko, don't you?"

It ripped across his back this time, from his right shoulder down to his left ribcage. Akira stumbled, feeling blood that seemed hotter than normal rush down his unprotected skin, but regained himself and kept going. His heart was in his throat. He felt his body giving out, and he cursed his lack of stamina while praying to be able to continue just a little bit long. He wasn't too far away. With a shout of "Doppler Release!" he felt the doppelganger drop away. The night bloomed into red, and he felt himself speed up. Even then, it didn't seem to be enough.

"Shirogane would be happier if you were just like Ryuuko."

"Shut up!" Homurabi was right behind him – he could almost feel the Shin's breath. "Kou-nii!" he yelled, praying that Kou would come to his rescue like he had before. The reason why Kou had helped was of no consequence now. He wanted help. He needed help.

"So, just..."

"KOU-NII!"

A cruel hiss. "... Die."

And Homurabi was in front of him – Akira tried to slam on his brakes, but he plunged right onto Homurabi's outstretched hand. It lanced clear through his stomach, tearing a surprised, wounded gasp from him. He felt the blood welling up in his mouth, and everything seemed very slow as it began to suffocate him.

"Shh, shh," Homurabi soothed as Akira choked, vomiting blood. "It'll stop soon."

Akira found himself gripping Homurabi's clothes, trying to hold himself up, as if that would keep him alive. He felt the Shin remove his arm, and then something warm and sticky touched his face, brushing across his cheek almost comfortingly.

"Can I tell you something before you disappear?" the king asked, eyes flaring in Akira's darkening vision.

Homurabi's question paired with the intense pain somehow prompted a memory to flash in front of his eyes – one he had tried to force back for months and months... a memory he continually dreamed of.

_"Akira-kun, I want to play with you tonight."_

"Hell no." He slumped back onto the bed, glaring at Shirogane. "Try and you're dead."

Shirogane blinked, then sighed and smiled. "All right, I won't play."

"Good." Akira closed his eyes. There were a few moments' silence before something warm dropped onto him. Akira's eyes flashed open to see Shirogane lying right on top of him. "What are you–"

He was cut off with a soft kiss, warm and sensual. Shirogane pulled back, just barely, and with a smile said, "I'll be serious from the very start."

"Sh-Shirogane... what..."

A hand slid down his side, causing his words to catch in his throat. What escaped instead was a soft, choking gasp. Shirogane's fingers played around his hips for a moment before they slipped under the hem of his shirt and began pushing it up, revealing little by little Akira's toned stomach.

"You probably don't believe me, Akira-kun, but..." A kiss played under his eye, drawing a sharp, light breath out of Akira. "I do love you so."

His body was willing, and it seemed to be reacting exactly the way Shirogane wanted it. Akira shivered to think that the Shin could read him so well. The hand that had now successfully pooled Akira's shirt under his armpits slipped behind his shoulder and started playing with his hair.

"Shirogane... please..."

Why was he being so forward today? Usually he was so much shyer, or at least pretended to be. Shirogane moved his head down to press a kiss into Akira's bare abdomen. Akira gasped, "Stop!" but Shirogane continued down, slowly, gently.

It was difficult to fight back the heat, the loss of control. Shirogane moved back up to claim his mouth, and as he did, the memory of a few days earlier flashed back into Akira's mind. He was -

"Ryuuko was someone I hated more than almost anyone else." Something was dragging under his eyes, in a mockingly gentle gesture. There was a slight sting. "Can you hear me?"

_Akira tore his head away, which seemed to surprise Shirogane. The King asked gently, "Akira-kun, what's wrong?"_

"I-I... I'm not... I'm not Ryuuko..."

He hadn't been quite sure what the relationship between Ryuuko and Shirogane had been, but the fact that there was power in those words confirmed what he had been suspecting. The statement was accompanied by hot tears that suddenly flooded his eyes as he saw the Shin's expression. Shirogane's eyes darkened with pain, with a sadness Akira felt prick at his own heart.

"I'm not Ryuuko," he gasped, body still wracked with all-consuming fire.

Yet Shirogane's touch lingered on his bare, sweaty skin, still spreading flame through him. The Shin hesitantly whispered, "I know that."

The sadness flowed faster as Shirogane's fingertips played down his side and across his hips, one hand moving to trace over Akira's lips. He felt like he had to keep saying it, now that he had realized the reason. Not just the reason for this closeness...the reason for everything.

"I'm not Ryuuko... I'm not Ryuuko."

"I know that –"

And the scream burst free from him. "I'm not Ryuuko!"

"Shirogane did love him so much, and you're Ryuuko now... in fact, you were never anyone else. And, to be quite candid..."

Homurabi's face was gone... the pain was gone. Everything was gone, and felt so distant and cold, save for the king's voice. Even that feature faded out in Akira's ears with the last he heard being, "I hate you, 'Akira', almost more than I hated him."

.oOOo.

Kou suddenly jerked to his feet – across the room, Shirogane did the same. Widened gold-grey eyes met blue, and they raced for the front door. Pulling it open, they didn't have to go far to see the scene: Homurabi, standing over a bloody mess, was hardly twenty yards from Kou's front door. Shirogane started forward – if Homurabi was here, there was definitely nothing good going on – but the sight of what the other king was over shook him to the very core and stopped him dead.

It seemed Kou understood too, because he was frozen in place. Horrified blue eyes saw lying there, covered in blood, exactly the same as another once before. He might have said something, but his voice wouldn't come. Instead, Homurabi turned and showered a bright, spiteful smile on him.

"That's right, Shirogane. He's dead."


	6. Chapter 6

_Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :)_

**Chapter Six  
**It was horrible, but Shirogane couldn't look away. He couldn't believe that his Akira, _his_ Akira, was gone. Memories of another time welled up inside of him, and it was difficult to bite back the feelings that came with them. Why did Akira's expression have to be just like Ryuuko's? Why did he have to be lying in the exact same way as Ryuuko had? Why did his hair have to have fallen in that beautiful way just like Ryuuko's? He wasn't Ryuuko... he wasn't Ryuuko, and Shirogane had long believed that fact.

The similarity in look had initially been the reason he had been attracted, he had to admit. Their personalities weren't all too dissimilar either, except for the fact that Akira was a bit more spitfire and free-willed. Ryuuko had been just slightly more calm and complacent. But they'd had the same hesitance, the same kindness, the same warm strength that Shirogane knew and loved. They were the same, but individual enough that Shirogane hadn't, for the greatest part of his time with Akira, thought of boy as Ryuuko. He had, after getting over the initial sight-shock, come to love Akira for Akira's sake.

But now...

"Kou."

The Rei looked at him, and it was obvious that he was struggling too. But Shirogane fixed Homurabi with the coldest gaze he knew he had. He tried to keep his voice under control.

"Take Akira-kun to Master."

"But –"

"Take him! Master is the only one that can help him!"

Kou looked back and forth helplessly before he nodded, with a flash changing into Rei form. Homurabi's smile widened.

"Why bother? He's gone, Shirogane."

"Akira-kun is not gone."

"'Akira'? There was never any such person and you knew that."

"Kou!"

The Rei's image wavered and was by Akira's side, scooping up the bloody boy. Homurabi whirled, obviously intent on striking Kou down as well, but Shirogane struck from the back, forcing his opposite king to focus on him.

"He's dead, Shirogane, and you can't bring him back! You know that!"

Kou hesitated only once more, but when Shirogane screamed at him, "Go!" he took flight, racing through the streets. Akira was limp, cold in his arms... was it true he was gone, or was he just cold in the night air? Kou forced the question out of his mind. He had to believe that Akira was still alive, or else everything would be in vain.

He made himself run as fast as he possibly could – Master's bar was quite far away, and there was no time to spare. If Akira was alive, every second mattered. It seemed to be days before he reached Bar Still, and there he paused, unsure what to do. He could sense the customers inside, so he couldn't burst right in... but then he felt Master's mind snap to him. He leapt up, crashing through the window and tumbling into Master's flat which sat above the bar.

"What was that, Master?" he heard a customer ask.

"Ah, my window was open," was the smooth reply. "Perhaps some poor animal flew through and knocked something over. Please excuse me while I go see."

_Thank god for you, Master_, Kou thought to himself as he waited tensely. He heard Master's footsteps pounding up the stairs, and he burst into the living room, looking quite frightened.

"Kou-san?"

"I'm sorry, Master... Aki is... Aki..."

Master didn't hesitate, and immediately came. "Let me see him."

Carefully, Kou laid Akira out on the floor, gripping one hand tightly, hopefully searching for the slightest sign of a pulse. Master held his hands out over Akira's body, his frown going from upset to extreme worry. Nevertheless, he fixed his palms over Akira's torn stomach.

"This is going to hurt him a lot, and it'll take a lot of work but..."

The flash of blue light Kou had heard of burst from Master's hands, driving into Akira. The boy's body writhed, and then his mouth dropped open and he screamed, voice breaking in pain. The sound stopped Kou's heart, in worry and in gladness. He was more than sure Akira wouldn't yell if he wasn't alive.

"Aki! Aki, it's okay. Master's taking care of you. You'll be okay." He stroked the long raven hair, trying to soothe him. He was absolutely convinced, totally convinced now, and fully grateful Shirogane hadn't given up. The fact that if the king hadn't thought Akira was still alive, Akira would have in fact died chilled Kou. "Hold on, Aki!"

He couldn't watch the healing process – he kept his catlike golden eyes fixed on Akira's heavily-flushed face, judging the pain in which he seemed to be. He did look down, though, when Master fell back, breathing heavily, shaking. The wound looked mostly healed, though there was still an obvious, deep tear.

"Master? Are you okay?"

"F-Fine. That was a tough one." He coughed, some crimson blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry, I couldn't heal him all the way."

"If we get him to a hospital right away he should be fine. Perhaps we should take you too, Master –"

The bartender gave him a weak smile. "I just need some rest. But there's a problem with you taking Akira to the hospital this very moment."

Kou realized it; no one could see Akira. He cast about in his mind, trying to find a way, when the tiniest of breaths carried to him:

"S-Shiro... Shiroga... ne..."

His attention snapped back to Akira immediately. Again, the boy called weakly, and Kou had to help comfort him somehow. He attempted by soothing, "He's fighting for you, Aki. He's fighting to save you."

A tear traced its way down his pale cheekbone, from the eyes that seemed like they would be forever hidden beneath ebony eyelashes. "I w-want to... see..."

His voice faded out, and Kou pulled him close, telling him, "You'll see him, so just hold on, Aki!" while trying to bite back the emotions that threatened to completely overwhelm him. How could he get Akira to the hospital, when no one could help? He prayed, for any solution -

Something else crashed through the window; Kou whirled, tensed to fight, but immediately let it go when he saw Shirogane staggering towards him.

"Akira-kun..."

"He's alive. Master saved him."

The happiness that lit up Shirogane's tired, bloodsmeared face was almost too much to take. Kou looked over the Shin King, horrified to see the deep gashes across his body.

"Shirogane –"

"Akira-kun is fine now, right?"

"No... we have to get him to the hospital, right away, but no one can... no one can see him..."

Something flashed through Shirogane's blue eyes before he said, "Call."

"But –"

Shirogane crossed the room to Akira, dropped to his knees beside Kou, and commanded, "Call!" before he touched his lips to Akira's gently. His image flickered, then disappeared. Akira almost immediately lit up brilliantly, his Shin outfit dissipating to a bare chest and jeans. His hair faded into light brown, and a small moan lifted from his lips.

"Shirogane, are you mad?! You're hurt!" Kou shouted at Akira. But there was no change, so Kou grit his teeth. Master, who still seemed wobbly, said, "Give me a minute to get back downstairs, then come in so you have somewhere to be. I'll call."

Kou wasn't in the mood to try and argue. He understood the gravity of this new situation perfectly. He got up, pulling Akira close to his body, before leaping out the window and falling back into his human guise. He gave Master only a few moments before he burst into the bar. "Master!"

"Kou-san?" He was there, thank god. "What –"

The customers looked horrified, but Kou said, "It's Aki! Please, call the hospital for me!"

That was all he could do, Kou thought glazedly as Master phoned the hospital. He bent his forehead and rested it against Akira's, staring intensely into his closed eyes.

_Aki... Shirogane... both of you, don't go anywhere!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Happy birthday to Akira tomorrow! :3_

**Chapter Seven  
**Akira was rushed to the hospital barely in time to be saved. Kou was beside him the entire time, offering his blood as temporary transfusion with no hesitation. He knew Akira's body wouldn't accept his blood for too long – though they were the same blood type, his Rei blood and Akira's current Shin blood wouldn't coexist well – but it would be long enough to keep him alive until replacement, neutral blood came.

The doctors were very gracious, accepting Kou's story that he had stumbled across Akira being picked on by a gang. It was close enough to the truth, and would very well explain the state he was in. Broken ribs and a torn stomach were not something one got from falling down the stairs or slipping on the street. Within a few hours, Akira was stitched back up, pumped full of blood, and on IV in critical care. Still Kou remained, waiting.

It was dangerous for Shirogane to act as Akira's shadow with those wounds, but it seemed the Shin King was unwilling to come out until Akira was completely stable. As Kou took Akira's hand, hoping to comfort the teenager somehow, he sensed Shirogane's thoughts.

_"It's my fault he's this way. It's my fault that I didn't stay near him, even if... it's my fault. It's my fault."_

"Shirogane, you did all you could." But he got no reply. He sat back with a sigh, chewing on his lip for awhile before he said, "Aki's always been insecure. You knew that. It's natural for anyone to feel insignificant, but consider what's happened to him. Consider that his self-awareness has always been a bit higher than a normal boy's, for whatever reason. Why do you think he gets into so many fights? Why do you think he's as cocky as he is?" Still no response, just the same self-berating. Kou sighed. "It's fine to feel responsible, Shirogane, but think for him. Please forgive him his little quirks. The blame is not all yours."

Master arrived with Aya and Kengo in the morning. They all pleaded and cajoled, but Shirogane's sense was barely there. He was holding onto Akira like if he let go, it would be over. A good point, but not entirely true. Master was able to reach through Akira's awareness to Shirogane's, but when he pulled back he shook his head and said, "I've healed him, but I don't know if he's accepted it."

Kengo and Aya made Kou promise he'd stay with them. He wouldn't have done otherwise. He left only to attempt to get in touch with Akira's parents. He reached them later that night, calmed the mother and assured her that Akira would be fine. It was embarrassing to be thanked a million times for saving the mother's one and only child, but something about it was reassuring. Hearing 'thank you' reminded him that Akira was still alive.

It was hard to believe it, sometimes. Kou sat there for several days, receiving occasional calls from the parents, who were scrambling to try and get back, and saw no change in Akira's expression. He seemed suspended in time. By the end of the third day, the doctor said that the boy had completely stabled, and that healing was now just a matter of waiting. Kou sensed Shirogane move at that, but the Shin still didn't come out.

It was the fifth day before anything happened. Akira's parents had arrived home and were thanking Kou for perhaps the trillionth time now, when something caught his gaze. He snapped around to see Akira's eyes shudder, then slowly slide open, just a bit.

The parents were very high-strung, for understandable reasons, but Akira didn't react to anything they said. They tried to talk to him, but his eyes only filled with tears. A few of the precious drops slid down his face before the grey depths closed again. A small sigh, almost a whimper, escaped his mouth, and that was all.

Encouraging, yet discouraging. Kou urged the Nikaidous to return home and rest after a few hours of their anxiously hovering over their son, assuring them that he had not left since arriving and he would continue to watch over them. They seemed very grateful, and Kou knew that it would be better for them to go than to remain. He felt the same way, but someone had to be here... not just for Akira, but for Shirogane's sake.

Akira opened his eyes again early the next morning, but didn't react to Kou talking to him. He stayed awake for longer this time before he drifted back away, but cried just as he had before. Kou, elated and frustrated, touched into Shirogane.

"Won't you at least come look at him?!"

He felt the flinch, but still Shirogane remained sulking. Kou couldn't yell at him more, since the Nikaidous came again. He spent the day talking to them about Akira, telling them that he had known Akira for seven years now, and felt like the boy was a younger brother. Akira didn't wake up again while they were there – Kou sent them away late that evening and waited, tense, praying for Akira to regain consciousness again.

He didn't wake up, despite the many visits, the gifts sent from worried (girl) classmates and the hours of pleading and cajoling from his family and closest friends. He seemed to have lost any strength he might have regained in those two eye-openings. Nearing the tenth day, after a long afternoon of beseeching to deaf ears, Kou drifted away into the relief of sleep. It was then that Shirogane floated out – not enough to cause Akira to switch into a Shin, but enough to look at him. He wanted to touch that still face, brush through that soft hair, but he restrained himself. It was his fault that Akira was lying near death... all his fault.

He should have guessed Akira would react the way he did. He knew he probably would have felt the same way, if he had been put in that position. Yet, something in him had hoped Akira would be stronger, would be able to understand that Shirogane loved Akira, that Shirogane wanted to be part of Akira... that Shirogane was not trying to get to someone that Akira was not.

And then, the lightest of breath: "Sh... o... ga... e...."

His ice gaze snapped to Akira, whose eyes were barely open. His head was turned to Shirogane, and his gaze was fastened on the Shin King. Akira looked thoroughly exhausted, as if the sight of Shirogane was all that was keeping him holding on. Shirogane felt his heart beating in his throat. He had to speak. He had to.

"Akira... Akira-kun... I don't know if you can hear me, or understand me, but I need to say everything now. I'll say it again as many times as you want, but I have to say it now, otherwise... otherwise I may never be able to."

The boy's gaze didn't waver, didn't so much as flicker to acknowledge he understood Shirogane. He had to continue, though... he had to get it out.

"I'm so sorry, Akira-kun. I did... I did love Ryuuko. I loved Ryuuko more than anyone... truly loved him. So when Homurabi killed him, I was..." A lump in his throat strangled him – he tried to swallow it. "I was so lost. The pain was more than I could handle. I wandered around... I don't even know what I was doing. I just remember a haze of darkness... it was like I was barely alive. Homurabi had banished me, so I was in this world, but I don't remember the pain of the light. It was nothing compared to what my heart felt, how broken my spirit was. But then, maybe four or five years ago, I glimpsed you through a window." His throat completely closed off at the memory of Akira's intense stare... so much like Ryuuko's. It took him a few minutes for him to steady himself enough to continue. "You were so young, but you looked just like him. I felt alive again. I knew, I _knew_ that he was in you. So I trailed you around, checking in on you. You grew up and you became more like him. I was dazzled. You entranced me, and I couldn't do anything to escape.

"When I finally approached you, I thought, more than anything, you would be him. It was what I expected. I expected you to become Ryuuko, so I could regain the happiness I'd had. But, so quickly, the more time I spent with you... he was lost to me. Akira-kun... you possessed me. Within a few weeks, I completely gave up on Ryuuko."

He felt the tears rising inside of him, felt his breath choking him. Akira remained fastened on him, no change in expression. Shirogane wondered if the boy was still conscious, but he continued on.

"He's dead, and I can never get him back. No matter how much you become like him, you will never be Ryuuko. But, Akira-kun... I don't care." It hurt to say that, but when he said it again, it made him feel so liberated. "I don't care. Because the more time I spend with you, the more I love you, and the more I forget about Ryuuko. He's so distant to me now, and I don't care. All I want is you, Akira-kun. I love you."

It was the honest truth, and it felt amazing to look Akira in the eye and say it.

"I love you more than anything, Akira-kun."

Still Akira looked at him and Shirogane was sure Akira hadn't heard a thing. Even so, slowly, painstakingly, the boy held up his hand. It merely hovered over the edge of the bed, but when Akira's broken voice whispered, "Shi...o... gan..." and tears ran down his face, Shirogane couldn't hold back anymore. Stifling the emotions that were trying to overflow, he took Akira's hand and clasped it tightly in his own, vowing to not let go. Feeling Akira's hand, feeling the slight pulse that wavered in his fingertips was enough to blow away the burden of years of anguish and pain, of loneliness and that strange, death-like emotion that had hovered in him.

Forgiveness was truly the most amazing thing Shirogane had ever experienced.


	8. Chapter 8

_Merry Christmas, everyone! :D Here's something to read while you're waiting for Santa. XP_

**Chapter Eight  
**"Did something happen?"

Shirogane didn't look at Kou – he kept his gaze on Akira's face, still holding tightly to the boy's hand. He did answer, "Yes."

"He woke up?"

"Yes."

"He saw you?"

"Yes."

"... Did you talk to him?"

"I talked. I don't know if he heard me. I told him everything, though."

"What will you do if he didn't hear everything?"

"I'll tell him again." It was a firm answer that matched Shirogane's loving, yet determined, expression. "I'll tell him, over and over, until he's satisfied. I'll tell him until he believes it."

A long pause. "Do you love him?"

"More than anything." It was said quietly, as if Shirogane were asserting it to himself. Yet there was no wavering, no hesitation. It was what he knew he felt. "More than anything in the world."

Kou leaned back in his chair. He wondered... so he had to ask. "And what will you do if he fully wakes up and tries to run again?"

The horror and agony of the thought was visible on Shirogane's face, if only for a moment. He didn't respond, but Kou saw his grip on Akira's hand tighten. Kou waited a few seconds, then was about to move on when Shirogane's broken whisper came to him.

"If he runs, I will stop chasing him."

He must have seen Kou's dumbstruck stare out of the corner of his eye, because he continued, still struggling to speak, "If I pain him that much... if he would be happier without my love, then I will stop. I just want him to be happy."

Kou allowed himself a sigh before he reached out and clapped Shirogane on the shoulder. "I assume he reached out to you?" As the king turned to look at him, Kou smiled. "So don't worry."

Shock, then a small smile, one that Kou had never seen on Shirogane's face. There was something about it that told Kou that Shirogane's words weren't a lie, that they were completely heartfelt. There was something about it that was truly uplifting.

"I need to go take a smoke. Keep an eye on him for me."

Shirogane watched Kou leave, thoroughly puzzled on one hand but grateful on the other. He reached out and gently stroked Akira's mussy bangs out of his face. He took the liberty of, once finished, running the back of his hand down his opposite's cheek. At the gentle stroke, Akira's eyes flickered open. A small noise escaped his mouth on the lightest of breaths.

"Akira-kun." Shirogane smiled as Akira turned his face, his distant gaze fastening on Shirogane again. "Akira-kun, are you feeling better?" A small, strangled noise. "Don't worry. You'll get better. I'm here, no matter what. Okay?"

Akira made another noise, obviously trying to speak but far too weak to manage it. Shirogane couldn't help but smile wider, even though tears of pain were threatening to rise. He tried to smother them – Akira was alive, and that was what mattered. Akira was holding his hand, and that was what mattered.

He got up and leaned over the boy, closer, closer. As their noses brushed, Akira's eyes shut, he let out a tiny breath, and the cardiac monitor flatlined. With a slight frown, Shirogane pulled back, instead brushing his hand against Akira's cheek again. That touch brought the peaks back, and Akira gazed up at him with glazed eyes, a slight flush dusting his cheekbones.

"That's the way it is, hm...? That's okay." Shirogane let his hand stray into the brown strands. "I can wait. I can wait forever for you, Akira-kun."

He felt Akira's hand tighten around his, just slightly. Looking deep into Akira's clouded eyes, Shirogane saw the longing, the fear that was hidden in the grey. Something in them pleaded.

"... Don't die on me, Akira-kun."

He leaned over again and gently, carefully captured Akira's lips in a soft kiss. He heard the line die out again, but held on and was rewarded with a high, rapid sequence of beeps. Pulling back, he saw that Akira's eyes had slipped shut. The boy was breathing hard, but he seemed much more at peace. Shirogane leaned his head forward and brushed one last kiss across the flushed cheek.

"Don't die on me, Akira-kun," he whispered again. "Because then, I might just have to follow you."

As if following orders, Akira's condition rapidly improved over the next few days. He was able to stay awake for most of the day a week afterwards, though he couldn't talk very well. He ignored most of his visitors, however, and was almost always staring out the window. Kou and the others tried to keep the flow of guests down to allow him time to himself, but it was natural that those that had been worried about him wanted to see him.

He was different. Kou had a hard time figuring out whether or not Akira was conscious of the fact he had changed so much. He wasn't sure if it was the shock of being so close to death and just escaping, or if it might have been the whole reason that had caused this ordeal in the first place, but he knew that Akira needed to think about it to himself. He hoped that Akira wouldn't completely withdraw... Kou had always been able to sense Akira's deeper workings, and knew something of this degree would thoroughly shake him. He didn't want Akira to fade away. The boy had already changed in the time he had been in England. Kou supposed he could only pray that this experience wouldn't rob Akira of what little of himself he had had left.

After a month of being in the hospital, the doctors finally said that Akira could go home. His parents coddled him all the way, taking the best care of him. Kou, Aya, and Kengo walked from the hospital, promising to come help them settle him in.

"Should we bring the Doppler?" Kengo asked.

"No. Aki needs Shirogane as his shadow right now."

Aya and Kengo looked a bit confused, but accepted Kou's judgement. They arrived soon thereafter, and let themselves in. Kengo led them up to Akira's room, where his parents were hovering over him. His eyes were shut, and he looked flushed. The three of them agreed to be absolutely silent, and the Nikaidous left them to be with him, shutting the door quietly.

His eyes slid back open, and he made a prolonged noise that Kou had come to understand. Soothingly, he said, "He's with you. Your parents wouldn't see you if he wasn't with you, would they?"

A long silence, then Akira nodded once.

"I bet you're tired, na, Aki?" A tiny noise. "We'll let you rest. We're glad you're feeling better."

They trailed out the door, and Akira watched silently, distantly, almost barely aware that they had been and then gone.

He didn't know what to think. He had been running things over in his mind, replaying everything that had happened in the last year. It seemed like such a long time, and yet things seem to have flown by. In remembering, he had seen the way things had spiralled out of control. It hurt, to think that everything had come out of his own insecurity, out of his own selfishness.

Could it be called selfishness? Akira had tried to look deep into himself a few times, to see if he could find Ryuuko's consciousness. He wanted to know how Ryuuko felt, if Ryuuko might have wanted to be with Shirogane again. He might have felt a bit more verified if he could put Ryuuko's feelings into the mix… after all, Ryuuko would have the prior claim. Akira would have continued if he could find that the Rei King wanted to fully come back into existence. But nothing strong had come. Perhaps Akira had felt a tickle, but his calls to his former self went unanswered.

And he wondered. He had seen Shirogane talking to him in the hospital, but he hadn't really heard any of it. He had been clinging to the sight of the Shin, trying to stay conscious as long as possible. He was more than sure, though, that Shirogane had been telling him something very important. Was it about Ryuuko? Had it been a reprimand? A confession?

Akira guessed he had been selfish in a way. Shirogane had never downright said he wanted Ryuuko over Akira. He had tried to force something on Shirogane that the Shin King might not have wanted.

And then there was the way he had looked at himself. He had thought about that for a long time too, and about what he had wanted for himself. Somewhere in the back of his mind had whispered that since Shirogane had loved Ryuuko, the only way for him to love 'Akira' was if 'Akira' became 'Ryuuko' again.

That had probably been the biggest problem, the biggest fear that had eaten away at him… the idea that he couldn't be loved for being Akira.

It was still his fear, now that he thought about it. What if Shirogane was still pushing him aside? Akira would rather die. He wouldn't be able to continue on if he couldn't be loved.

A slight wave of despair overtook him, but before he could fully think, _Ah, I'm being selfish again_, a gentle voice said, "Welcome home, Akira-kun."

Shirogane's soft touch was running through his hair. He closed his eyes to it, trying to let go of the depression that was flooding into him. The Shin seemed to sense his need, because Shirogane asked quietly, "What's wrong, Akira-kun?"

Could he ask? Should he ask? Or was he too afraid of what the answer would be? But Shirogane spoke before he could.

"I love you."

The words began to calm him. There was an earnestness in Shirogane's voice that Akira hadn't heard before… or, perhaps, that he had never tried to listen for.

"I love you, Akira-kun."

Did Shirogane know how much he needed to hear it? There was a still pain that came when he heard the words, but Akira closed his eyes and tried to settle back, allowing Shirogane's smooth voice to warm him.

He could ask later, when he was ready. For now, this was enough.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine  
**Catching back up with schoolwork was no fun, but Akira resolved himself to do it. He might barely be passing classes, but he wanted to graduate. That much was true. As soon as he could sit up and write, Aya and Kengo were bringing back all his missed assignments. He'd rather they didn't hover over him – he was still feeling too detached to really want the company – but he allowed them to help, listening distantly to their chatter. Shirogane was always beside him, never leaving, acting his part as the dutiful shadow.

The first semester was basically over before Akira could really even get out of bed. The doctors called it natural that it was taking so long to recover, but Akira knew that Homurabi had truly weakened him and dragged a lot of his strength out. Somehow, cheating death – especially when that death would have been at the hands of the red-haired Shin King – was not something easily recovered from. His parents asked him if he wanted to go back to school as soon as he was able to get up and walk about, but he declined. He wanted to be as strong as possible before going outside again.

He didn't want to admit that he was scared. He didn't want to admit that his mind was constantly flashing back to those moments, which had stretched into eternities, when he had been speared on Homurabi's arm. He didn't want to think about the light fading away again. Homurabi probably knew he was still alive. He could only be grateful that Homurabi hadn't come to finish him off while he was still unable to defend himself.

And Akira was still afraid to ask Shirogane any questions. He had allowed himself to rest on the loving praises, caresses, promises that Shirogane had been giving him. He had clung to them, seeking for solace. But he knew, deep down, that what had happened would never be able to be put to rest until he asked, and heard the answer.

So, on his eighteenth birthday, Akira awoke early. He lay silently, waiting for Shirogane, who was dozing at the bedside. He didn't have to wait too long – the Shin's eyes opened soon after.

"Happy birthday, Akira-kun," were the first words out of Shirogane's mouth, which was stretched out in a broad smile.

"Thanks," Akira said quietly.

There was a pause, and Shirogane's smile slipped slightly. "What's wrong, Akira-kun?"

His heart was pounding in his throat, but he swallowed hard and said, "I want to ask some questions."

"… All right."

"You'd better answer," Akira added, trying to sound aggressive.

"If it's for you, I will answer them."

"Full, real answers. Honest answers. Promise?"

"I promise."

A bit of silence. Then Akira took a deep breath to steady himself, and asked, "What was Ryuuko like?"

Shirogane looked somewhere between shattered and astonished, but he replied, "A lot like you."

"Full answers," Akira reminded him.

"He was strong and quiet, kind and brave. He was very generous, and very compassionate. He would never let anyone get hurt, if he could have even a word in it. He sought harmony and peace, and balance. He wasn't hard to get close to, and he was very good at getting close to anyone. There was a warmth about him that I… … … and his smile was radiant."

It wasn't a long answer, but by the time Shirogane finished that speech, spoken so tenderly, about the Rei King, Akira's mouth had already gone dry, and he felt very cold. Shirogane continued on, blue eyes gazing off distantly.

"There's no real way to describe him with words. But he was someone that everyone looked up to. He was someone everyone could rely on. You could talk to him, and he would listen. He could be a bit stubborn at times, but he only ever thought of the good of everyone else." A pause. "Akira-kun?"

He didn't want to speak. He wanted to curl up and hide. He swallowed hard and managed to whisper, "'A lot like me'?"

"Yes. Very much like you."

Akira turned his head. "He sounds nothing like me."

"Akira-kun –"

He couldn't help but be angry. Just as he had thought… Ryuuko was a god. "So why me?! Why was it me that ended up this way?!"

A long pause. "Akira-kun, don't."

"I'm nothing like him. I could never, ever be that way. I could never be perfect."

"Akira-kun, Ryuuko was not perfect."

"Why do you say you love me? What is there about me to love?!"

Another long pause. Akira heard his parents moving in their room, and half-prayed that they would remain there, while half-praying they would come to see what was wrong. He steeled himself and spoke again.

"If you want him, just say so. Don't say 'I love you, Akira-kun' to me. Don't touch me, or kiss me, or stay by me if you want Ryuuko!" He felt himself breaking down… why did he have to be this way? "If you do that, then… I won't…"

Akira had no idea that he would be swept into such a fierce, tight hug. He struggled for a moment, but when Shirogane whispered his name, he calmed, weakly resting against the Shin.

"Akira-kun, Ryuuko would be jealous of you."

That completely froze him.

"You are strong, and free. You don't have to live in fear. You have a charisma that draws others to you, no matter how rude or crass you may be. You're intelligent, and warm. You can show weakness, and no one will ever think any less of you."

"That's nothing to be jealous of."

"And he would be jealous… because I love you so much more."

Akira's breath caught in his throat as Shirogane lifted his hand, brushing the back of it against his cheekbone. Shirogane's eyes were alight with an emotion Akira didn't even know how to describe.

"He would be jealous, because I can be with you every day. He would be jealous, because I can touch you, and you can touch me. He would be jealous, because I can be so close to you."

The Shin's forehead was resting against his now. Akira felt tears rising inside of him. What was this? Why did he feel this way?

"Am I… in any danger, if that's the case?" he managed to whisper.

Shirogane straightened up and smiled, releasing Akira from his embrace before he bent his head and pressed his lips to Akira's. The boy closed his eyes, desperately seeking for Shirogane's warmth. He needed it, more than anything. He wanted it more than anything. The Shin King pulled back after a few moments, weaving a hand into Akira's long hair.

"Akira, if you feel threatened by Ryuuko in any way, there's no need. He won't hurt you."

Akira turned his head. "That's not what I'm afraid of."

"If you think I can't love you because of him, please don't feel that way. I love you."

And he continued on, and as Akira listened, he felt his eyes widen. Was this what he had said at the hospital? Shirogane's voice struggled a couple of times, but Akira had never felt such sincerity, such truthfulness.

"I love you more than anything, Akira-kun," Shirogane finished.

Snow was falling outside… Akira could see it flitting between the slats in the blinds. Slowly, he turned his head, bringing his grey, ruby-glinting eyes to Shirogane's ice-blue ones.

"I love you, Akira-kun," the Shin repeated softly. "If you will just smile for me, I will do anything for you. If you will laugh for me, I will be yours forever."

Shirogane's raw emotions in those gentle words pierced Akira's heart, and the idea… the hope that Shirogane would be his arrested him. Slowly, shakingly, he lifted his arms imploringly. He was instantly embraced again, and he fell back, pulling Shirogane onto the bed with him. The Shin King let out a noise of surprise, but Akira whispered, closing his eyes and allowing his tears to slide down his face:

"Please… just hold me like this for awhile."

Shirogane's warm weight was comforting. Akira felt a soft, gentle smile pressed into his neck, and a whisper tickled his skin. "Of course."


	10. Chapter 10

_This is the final chapter! Thank you to everyone for making this my most popular fic yet. Special thanks to my wonderful beta WolfSinKyros for all her help. Without her, I wouldn't have had the confidence to post._

_I hope to see you all again soon. :)  
_

**Chapter Ten  
**"Isn't that… Nikaidou?"

"Yeah, didn't you hear he was coming back today?"

"Hasn't he been gone for four months now?"

"They said he was dying. He was stabbed through the stomach, or something."

"Nikaidou, dying? Yeah right."

Kengo and Aya glanced at each other nervously, then at Akira's back. He kept walking, head held high as usual. They couldn't see his face, but they knew it would be uncaring. His hair, cut to shoulderblade length, swayed softly as he continued down the hallway. As he passed the window frames into a brief moment of shadow, the strands faded to black, then blazed back into light auburn-brown when he stepped into the light again.

He hadn't spoken much on the way to school, but he looked just like the Akira they remembered. In fact, they might have been convinced he was completely back to normal, if it weren't for how he kept gingerly touching his stomach, or the defeated light in his sharp grey eyes, or the fact that now Shirogane was trailing him as his shadow. But they hadn't asked… Kou had warned them that this was something between Akira and Shirogane, and that Akira would only get upset if they pried.

He was quiet during the classes, staring out the window. He would answer when the teacher asked a question, and would turn his eyes to her, but otherwise he was off in his own world. Aya and Kengo could see Shirogane standing behind the younger Shin, hands carefully placed on Akira's shoulders. When the lunch bell rang, Akira was up and out the door faster than any of them, Shirogane right behind him.

"Aya, should we go after him?" Kengo asked.

"No. Don't you remember what Kou-san said? We need to give Akira time to himself."

"Kou-nii didn't really explain what was going on. I'm not saying we need to know everything… just… I don't understand what's going on. I don't know what's happened to Akira."

Aya could say the same. Kou had merely said that Akira needed space to work things out, and that he needed Shirogane with him. He wouldn't explain what had happened that made Akira need to be alone, or why the silver-haired Shin King was allowed near but no one else was.

"I'm sure he'll tell us if he feels like it's something we need to know… but otherwise, I think we should just keep out of it."

Up on the roof, Akira leaned against the fence, looking out over the city. Shirogane stood close by silently, watching Akira cautiously.

"Please don't think of jumping, Akira-kun."

"I wasn't going to," was the grumble.

A pause. "I'm glad you cut your hair, but it's still longer than usual."

"Is that a problem?"

"No. But I would like to know why, if it's at all possible."

"I don't need that long hair anymore. I like it this length for now."

"Ah, I see." Shirogane's voice was warm, and it thrilled Akira to the core. "That's good." Another pause. "Akira-kun, you still haven't regained your strength."

Akira's hand jumped to his stomach protectively – ashamed, he turned his head, but a gentle finger turned his gaze back to the pale blue. Shirogane was very close… their noses were brushing.

"But I'll be here. I won't let it ever happen again."

"He did it… to make you suffer, didn't he?"

Shirogane hesitated… his face looked tortured. "Yes. And I'm very glad he failed. I honestly… don't know…" Shirogane's voice cracked. "… What I would have done, if he hadn't. If I lose you again, Akira-kun… I…"

They were both afraid. They knew it. Akira closed his eyes, pressing both hands to his stomach now, trying to ignore the sharp stabs of pain. He was afraid that he couldn't have Shirogane's love. Shirogane was afraid of losing Akira. They understood each other so much it hurt. The fear, and the relief that they had gone through was pulling them closer and closer. Sometimes, Akira loved it so much he felt like he could drown in it. But…

"So you know… he's probably going to come after me again. He's not going to stop, if he really wants to cause you pain."

Akira heard his own voice shaking. Shirogane drew him close, locking him in a tight embrace.

"I won't let him," was the fierce reply. "If he even shows his face, I'll tear him apart!"

Akira knew what the best solution would be. He didn't want to make Shirogane suffer, and the only way to ensure that such a thing wouldn't happen was to sever all ties. But he was selfish… he had always been selfish. Even if it would make things easier, he couldn't bring himself to try to break away again. Especially now, when things were going this way.

But if it would come down to it, Akira knew what he would have to do, and he steeled himself for it.

"Shirogane…?"

And the Shin King bent his head, capturing Akira's mouth in a tender, warm kiss. Akira, despite his best wishes, couldn't help but let his eyes slide shut… couldn't help but let his defences melt away. When Shirogane pulled back, grey eyes gazed up at him through ebony lashes.

It would be difficult… it would be very difficult to be ready. But for now, Akira would let himself rest.

Shirogane was his, and he was Shirogane's, forever.


End file.
